Prayer Request: All I ever wanted was to be a Mommy

I have several (5) autoimmune diseases. One of those is Type 1 Diabetes. I was diagnosed at age 10 with it and now I am 39. I've lived with it a long time and it has taken a toll on my body. In 1999 I was diagnosed with kidney disease and had to have major retinal surgery on both eyes to save my sight. God blessed me with my sight and today I can still see and my retina's are stable. I began taking kidney medication and was told to not think of having a child. I was a newlywed and this was devestating. A year later I moved to another state and under a different doctor's care. This doctor told me he would not give up on me so easily and give the medicine time and maybe someday I could try. The day came when my kidney disease did reverse itself and I had normal function again. I was told I could try if I wanted. So I spoke with a high-risk pregnancy doctor so I would have all the information I needed and I sat down to make a final decision. My husband was absent in this process. Try as I might he would not participate in it. I decided to try. We tried for a year and I did not conceive. Most recently I discovered a couple of reasons why that probably did not happen for me. One of them is that I was malnourished but didn't know it. I have had Celiac Disease since I was three months old. It nearly killed me as an infant but the doctors never did diagnose it. As decades passed and more damage was done to my small intestines I became malnourished. I was so malnourished my body would never allow for a child to be conceived. After this year passed, I had a kidney test done. I had to go off meds for that year because they would be fatal to a fetus. I had almost reached Stage 3 kidney disease. Stage 4 is complete renal failure. I was told by my heartbroken doctor that I should never try to conceive or have a child again. If I survived the pregnancy I would almost certainly go into renal failure and may not survive to see my child reach even a few years of age. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. This news was delivered to me in 2002. I am still crying. My husband and I have accepted this and decided a couple years ago we were ready to adopt. However, it is so expensive to go through this process and I am not working because of my health issues. I am pretty healthy right now but it is a delicate balance and we have decided the strict schedule and stress of a job outside the home would cause more harm then good. We do okay with just my husband's salary but not good enough to pay the thousands of dollars it would cost to adopt. I am now 39 and I am fearful I will no longer be a viable candidate for much longer yet we still can't find the thousands we need to adopt. It has been awful, if I'm not crying then I am numb. All I ever wanted was to be a mommy.

Please pray that either I will be blessed with a precious child or that I can move into a better place and my heart will heal. If it is God's plan for me to not be a mother I just want my heart to heal. I want to stop crying. I want this awful pain to stop. So, please, please, pray that I am blessed with a child or with a healed heart. Whichever is God's will.

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